a wren that flew into the glass.
I skinned it, stuffed it, stitched it up.
Less Jenny Wren - and more pig's arse!
But soon I got the hang of it
and so went on to bigger things.
Ginger hamsters, fluffy rabbits,
a farmyard hen with outstretched wings.
Neighbour's cats, a runaway pooch,
( oh - desist! They're never missed for long;
posters on poles a week or two.
then people buy another one!).
I did a road killed ram last year,
a badger that I hit in Spring
- I've stuffed a stoat, a goat, a deer,
a messed up fox and other things.
But I don't intend stopping there.
I have a more ambitious plan.
Here's a little clue: Burke and Hare...
Yes! I will kill and stuff a MAN!
I'll have him sitting in a chair
so he can watch TV with me.
We'll eat our tea together there
- and chat away most amiably!
It's very seldom any body
ever comes to visit me.
I think that my menagerie
of strange beasts, my taxidermy,
rather puts them off. Which suits me
because my 'friend' and I can be
undisturbed; we can 'rest in peace'
without fear of killjoy bobbies
saying: "Can we ask some questions Sir?"
And you know the nosey type they mean.
I might even keep a handy bear fur
so he isn't accidentally seen
- I'll zip it up tightly round him
if someone rings the front door bell,
so he's neatly concealed within
a weird shaped bear - they'll never tell!
And while I'm out at work all day
I'll make him wear a keeper's hat
so he can watch my zoo at play
and keep some order in my flat.
I've thought of everything, I hope...
I've waited for a moonless sky;
truncheon, chloroform, gag and rope,
ten litres of formaldehyde!
Here's the bit that tickles me:
I've made my car look like a cab
so when my prey shouts "Taxi!"
he'll get a ride, a sleep, a stab -
then, like Pharaohs from antiquity,
for whom life itself was not enough-
he'll attain immortality
through being well and truly stuffed!